define "very funny"?

another random drunken rant in the form of a .txt file in My Documents. It's been a while but i found this one while looking for a site visit report for work. TBS is one of the channels that you can get in almost any hotel room so i do watch it quite a bit. this one is pretty recent as the commercials i talk about in the beginning have only been on a couple months, at least that i'm aware of and i even vaguely remember typing some of this. i checked my email outbox and no, this never did get sent to TBS. enjoy?


Dear Turner Broadcasting System or TBS,

Those commercials you have disguised as promotion for terrible comedians are in fact the opposite of, as you put it, "Very Funny". ...and "House of Pain" is quite possibly the worst show that has ever been on television in the history of the world, which again makes the commercials you run for that show, ones that qualify it as "Very Funny" as well, completely and utterly absurd. however, i will admit that the title of the show is dead on; trying to watch that show is about as painful and mind-numbing as the swift impact of a ball-peen hammer to the temple.

that being said, i must thank you for running 2 hours of "Family Guy", almost daily, because that show is actually "Very Funny". also, "The Office" and "My Name is Earl" are both worth mentioning when talking about what is funny.

this leads to my dilemma, how can you be so right at one moment, in reference to "Family Guy", and so horribly wrong the next, I'm talking about "House of Pain" here?

I'll use an example to drive it home for you:

senario #1 - i bump into you while you're on the way out of Del Frisco's and ask you how the filet was? you respond with, "it was very delicious"

senario #2 - the next day i see you in the park holding up the tail of a german shepard with your mouth pressed firmly to it's asshole. the german shepard procedes to pass the contents of his bowel directly into your mouth, while you chow down like it's ambrosia handed to you by zeus himself. at this point i ask you, why in god's name you would do such a thing? you respond with, "it was very delicous"

I think the example is pretty straight forward, but i'll clarify to be sparkling clear. in senario #1 i'm referencing the fact that you can recognize "Family Guy" as "Very Funny", because as anyone who has ever had the pleasure of dining at Del Frisco's knows, the filet is truly delicious. where in senario #2 i'm referencing "House of Pain", because that steaming log of fresh german shepard feces is as far away as my imagination can get from delicious at the time i am writing this, which is the same distance "House of Pain" is from "Very Funny".




well, that's where it ends, which is probably why i didnt send it; it just doesnt look finished to me. maybe i'll edit and send it in the future if they ever stop playing family guy and switch to 2 hours a day of "House of Pain".

lame ass excuse for a blog

it's quite clear that i don't have any content going on here so i'll reach into my back pocket once again for this update. also the introduction will explain another reason for keeping this blog although i haven't found one of these text files in quite a while.

"author to an audience of none"

so, i travel a lot for work and frequently im stuck in a hotel in some city that's boring as fuck. from there my plan is usually to pick up some beer and get loaded in the hotel room until im drunk enough to pass out. during those drunken hours with nothing to do sometimes i feel inspired to write about pretty much anything, but then i forget about it and months later, on a night like tonight, i stumble upon some vaguely coherent ramblings of my drunken self. i was mildly amused by this one titled "Jenny is a dirty manipulative whore" referring to robin wright penn's character in Forrest Gump. enjoy. warning, it's fucking long.




"Jenny is a dirty manipulative whore" by ricky

I just finished watching Forrest Gump. Don't get me wrong, I love this movie and I totally understand that Jenny has to be the way she is for this movie to be as good as it is. However it still pisses me off and I feel like ranting.

As anyone who saw the movie knows, Jenny is the dirty skank who Forrest is infatuated with and who manipulates him, and probably every other guy she fucks between the lines, at every chance she gets. Now I know somebody is gonna sympathize with her because her father molested her, but that's no excuse for her selfish behavior.

It begins when we first meet her as a little girl. She has no friends and neither does the retarded kid, so figures that she can just latch onto him. At this point she's using him to get away from her abusive father, which is innocent enough and I have no problem with that.

I can't say too much about their preteens or even their High School years because the movie doesn't really focus on that so I will jump right to college. So here we see Forrest sitting in the rain waiting for her when her date's car pulls up and just as she's about to give it up to that guy, Forrest pulls him out of the car and starts beating on him. She gets mad at Forrest because the guy drives off without giving it to her, so what does she do? She brings Forrest to her dorm room, strips him naked, and then begins to strip herself, all while her roommate is right there 10 feet from them. During her seduction Forrest spends himself, on her roommates robe, and she realizes that she's not gonna get laid so she puts her bra back on. Now if that's doesn't reflect the actions of a classy gal, I don't know what does. Did I type "classy gal"? I meant skeezy ho-bag.

Next we see her working at a titty bar playing guitar naked and at the end of the scene she gets into a truck and says she doesn't care where the driver takes her. I'll give you three guesses how she decided to pay for that ride.

On to the touching reunion in the reflecting pool in Washington DC. Here's where the manipulation comes on really strong. Running toward the tall handsome Vietnam veteran and passionately embracing him in the middle of hundreds of people while your boyfriend is standing there watching. Nah, she wasn't trying to make him jealous. My interpretation of her actions here go like this: Jenny is mad at her boyfriend so she provokes him to hit her in front of Forrest, she knows he will do this because he's likely hit her before. This will then trigger Forrest to give him a serious ass kicking, as Forrest has done before. The black panthers kick them out of the place and Jenny accompanies Forrest for a walk around the capitol where she tells him all about how she whored herself out for drugs and a ride to San Francisco. You don't really think that guy gave her a ride for nothing, do you?

Funny how we don't see Jenny again, except for the quick bit during new years where she leaves the abusive junkie, until Forrest is a millionaire. She lives with him for a while, then fucks him and leaves. Now I see what she has done here as one of the worst things ever. She has unprotected sex with Forrest, who has never done wrong to anyone, knowing full well that she is a festering disease farm, subjecting him to risk of contracting the STD that eventually kills her. My guess is that she wants to have a kid but her life as a slut hasn't really been profitable enough for her to afford it, so if she gets pregnant with a millionaire's kid then she can get him to pay for it, and her, for the rest of their lives. Selfish much?

For the whole movie so far, Forrest has been telling his story from the bus stop where he is waiting to go see Jenny. When he finally sees her she drops a bomb on him in the form of her son who she claims Forrest is the father of. I never questioned the fact that Forrest was the father until this last time that I saw the movie. However, I don't think Forrest is the father for the following reasons: By now Jenny has probably fucked half the population of the country so the odds are highly stacked against Forrest actually being the one who impregnated her, Forrest probably doesn't understand what you actually have to do to have a child so they might not even have had sex that night before she left, and she knows how infatuated Forrest is with her and that he would never question it if she said that he was the father.

So, Jenny has a boy, and she doesn't know who the father is. She knows that she's going to die of some disease that she contracted from her whorish ways and she needs to dump her child on somebody. So she thinks, "why not that retarded guy who's so fucking in love with me." Sure she'll have to marry him, but she'll be dead in a few months anyway.

- congratulations if you made it this far, that was the end of the text file that i found. my favorite part about this is that although i can't remember typing this i can tell that i edited and polished this at the time of that i was writing it based on the way it is structured. it brings back memories of the night i wrote the final 5 pages of my 10 page paper in comp2 while heavily intoxicated turning a sure thing A grade in that class into a B based on those 5 pages alone. at least i got a B, and i'll leave it at that.

love
ricky

welcome to my face

Ok, so i wanted to comment on one of Snack's pictures on her blogspot page and to do so i had to login to something, so i ended up making one of these blog pages that no one will ever read.

in spite of the fact that i don't expect anyone to read anything on here, it seems like a waste to have nothing on it. what i post here will probably mostly be stories of passing out and blacking out because it's the only consistent theme i could come up with that people might find interesting and i have an endless supply of material on. think of it like this; my next post will always be just 2 forties of steel reserve away. however, you should understand that i will be telling you stories about myself based on what other people told me i did and the few random details that pop into my head days after the incident.

i'll begin with the only thing i've ever written that anybody ever told me was any good, also it fits in nicely with the theme i'm going for here. i submitted this to collegestories.com and the editors liked it so much that they sent me an email personally to contribute more stories for a book that they were putting together. the weird thing is that when i received the email asking for more stories i didnt even remember writing or submitting the first one. sure it's recycled, but i wanted to get some content on here.

so without further ado here is "stuck in the attic" which some of you may remember from personal experience(names were changed by collegestories.com and i didn't change them back because i'm too lazy, not because i care about the innocent):

Stuck in the Attic

Ok, so it began as any other night with the usual hanging out at my friends' apartment, drinking, shooting the shit and anticipating what the night would bring.

Another friend, lets call him Mitch, because that's his name, shows up and informs us of a party. So the crew assembles and we begin the walk from the apartment on Somerset st. to the party on Lewis St., just 2 or 3 blocks away.

So we arrive at a party, they've got a keg, we drink all is well.

The next thing I know is I open my eyes, it's morning and I'm lying face down on a box spring in an empty attic. I don't know where the fuck I am or how I got there.

Confused and still pretty drunk, I walk over to the steps and turn the knob to open the door to get out of the attic. The knob comes off in my hand and the knob on the other side with the pin in it hits the floor on the other side of the door.

I go back up the steps and look out the window, but it's way too high for me to climb down. After breaking two credit cards I'm finally able to pick the door open with my blockbuster card. I get out of the attic, figuring that I'll remember a little bit more about what happened the previous night, however, nothing looked familiar.

There doesn't seem to be anyone there and I wasn't about to start knocking on doors, since I didn't know any of those people anyway, so I left. When I got outside, still no recollection, but I did know that I was on Lewis street so I walked back to my friends' apartment on Somerset st. When I got there I was greeted by Pat, Kel, Frank and I don't remember who else was awake.

They asked me what happened and said they were about to send a search party. I didn't have any answers, so they told me the last they remembered of seeing me. They told me that everybody wanted to leave, but Mitch (different than the one who told us about the party) and I wanted to stay and finish the keg at the party.

Then they asked, "By the way, where is Mitch?" I told them I didn't see him at the apartment the party was in and I couldn't remember anything that happened after we arrived at the party.

Hours later Mitch returns. He told me that last night he was trashed and wanted to leave the party but apparently I said I wanted to stay till the keg was empty. So he left, but was so drunk that he turned right instead of left from Lewis to Somerset and walked a couple of miles before he realized his mistake. He said he turned around and started back but ended up passing out in the bushes in front of one of the houses on Somerset st. The kicker is you can see their apartment from the Somerset/Lewis intersection.

I still to this day have never fully known what happened that night or understood why they decided to put me in the attic, but such is the nature of blackouts.

Also, one night two of my friends shit down their neighbor's chimney for no reason at all. One of them said, "Christmas came early this year." They had never had any problems with them, they just did it because they were crazy drunk and thought it was a great/funny idea, which it was.

The fucked up part is that over the next few weeks we started hanging out with them. That was when we found out the chimney had been sealed and there was now a wall in place. So, there was no way to get the shit out of there.

That shit is probably still behind the wall rotting away, and the people who live there wonder why the place smells like shit.




so, that's it. i may have some details wrong in that, but that's how i remember it... rather, how i remember you telling me you remembered it. so if you have a problem with that, you only have yourself to blame. congratulations if you made it this far, i promise the next post won't be as long, as this one was kind of an introduction as well.

love
ricky